My mind is a jumbled mess of time sheets, milk paint, high school and middle school, the world of corrective eye wear, youth football, birthdays, and dinner – is it time to eat again already?
And then underneath it all, the steady hum I am hearing these days: living “with.”
Oh yes, through these ancient words, Chambers is turning me on my head and there I stay. “… God’s purpose is never man’s purpose,” and, “If we have a purpose of our own, it destroys the simplicity and the leisureliness which ought to characterize the children of God.”
And then I read the modern vocabulary of Jethani, who has described all the ways I’ve lived over, under, from and for – how wrong I’ve been. I’ve been called on it but didn’t understand why or even by whom until now.
How few are the days I ask God to order my day, that I sit and listen for him, as Chambers says, the “leisureliness,” and just wait and be “with.”
No, I have my list, a waiting of things that won’t be done unless I attend to them. I am tangled in a busy, busy life that I have created, that I have made for myself.
Any yet God wants me to live “with” him, untethered to the running and doing. To walk with him, not just in a dreamy sense, but to literally walk with him, in a way that is foreign to me, to be with him in all moments, to realize His presence with me. To laugh with Him, cry with Him, cross water with Him, feel pain with Him, get back up with Him, be still with Him, paint with Him, support my kids with Him, cook with Him, be – with – Him.
Slowly, I am becoming aware of the lack of answers, of solutions, of particular ways, and am embracing the mystery, the place of trust, the compelling life “with” my creator. It is blessed by Him if for nothing more than to just be with Him. It is better, and I want this life.
There are old ways, an accustomed life, an unlearning that is commencing.
It is challenging and good and right.
Going after it.